Today,
June 23rd, 2015 is Dad’s birthday. He passed away on June 13th,
2015. Surprisingly, I’m not filled with grief on his birthday. I think part of
this is that Dad never made a big deal of his birthday. He was a simple man. He
usually wore the same clothes. He never was into fancy things. So, I can’t
recall any huge celebration for Dad’s birthday or significant gift I bought for
this day, other than the heated mattress pad I discussed in another blog. Maybe
memories of gifts will come later.
I
think my grieving process is abnormal. Dad’s fight with cancer started in
earnest in October of 2013. I think both Mom and me accepted through the
process that Dad could die. So, I think we already did some of the grieving
before he passed. Around Spring 2014, I removed myself from organized religion.
I also didn’t read the Bible much through that time until now. I’m not sure I
was angry at the church. I definitely was frustrated. When I read the book of
Acts, I see miracles. I see people healed. I see a priesthood of believers.
When I look at organized religion, I see sick people everywhere and I see an
ecclesiastical structure. I believe that structure inhibits God from moving
like he should. The Ekklesia needs to go through a radical transformation. I’ll
have to examine that in future blogs. Dad’s death is causing me to work through
my faith and my purpose. I’ll also have to think through the whole process I’ve
been through the past few years and see if I was grieving and didn’t even know
it. The grieving process is strange, but I need to understand it. So, these are
things you’ll see me working through in future posts.
The
grieving process is one of extremes. The last few days I’ve been facing extreme
exhaustion. I’ve noticed since Dad’s death, everything is extreme. One minute
my stomach is upset. The next minute I’m starved. Or, I’ll feel starved and
then only be able to eat a few bites. One minute I’m extremely happy. Then, I’m
overwhelmed with sadness. Then, anxiety. Everything is an extreme. It’s like my
body, heart and spirit have all the possibilities they can experience on a
giant wheel—like Wheel of Fortune. Every now and then the wheel is spun and
then whatever it lands on I experience full force.
This
is a strange post. I’m not sure I’m so much working through anything as I am
just working through what I need to work through. Anyhow, I’m working on lunch,
so I’ll have to end and attend to my physical needs.
