The Definition of Manhood

            As I reflect on my Dad’s life, his life makes a vivid statement on the definition of manhood that was imposed on him. In both Dad’s life and culture in general, I see that manhood is often defined by what a man does—his job, his salary or his service to others. Dad did many wonderful works—for his kids, for his wife, for his employer, for his church and for society. But, what he did was merely an extension of who he was. His character was far more important than his works. As a society, we need to redefine manhood—not based on what a man does, but based on who a man is.

            Dad was a faithful employee of Goodyear Tire and Rubber for about half his life. As he was nearing retirement, Goodyear terminated him. He was escorted to the lobby and given the contents of his locker in a box. Goodyear was cutting employees nearing retirement to avoid paying full benefits. The doing part of Dad’s manhood was stolen just so some greedy bastards could be a little richer. Dad never fully recovered from that blow. It left a deep scar on his psyche.

            When dad became sick with cancer, the doing part of his manhood took another blow. He became weak and needed rehab to regain his arms and legs. Because he had a large tumor removed from his sinus cavity, he needed rehab to regain his voice and his ability to eat. He lost some hearing and vision. He never fully regained the vigor in his body, his ability to talk, his ability to eat, his hearing or his vision. He did regain the ability of talking to the point the family understood him, but he never regained enough to have confidence in sharing with those outside his immediate circle.

            I wish Dad could have fully grasped that it was enough for him just being Dad in those dark hours of cancer. The family never forgot all the doing he did to make our lives better. He worked hard so his family had the best he could give us. When Dad couldn’t do, it was enough for him to just be Dad. I could still feel his love, his gentle spirit and his humbleness.

            I remember Dad telling me that I was now “the man”. It was his humble way of honoring me—of saying that I was now a man he admired. It’s special to know Dad felt that way about me. But, I think his proclamation had another meaning. Dad no longer felt he was the man in the family. In his mind, he could no longer hold up his end of the bargain—the bargain imposed on him by society’s definition of a man as doing instead of being. I wish Dad could have understood that by simply being Dad—the loving, gentle, humble man he was—was enough. Neither his employer nor his cancer stripped Dad of being Dad. Dad had a dignity that came from within. Dad’s suffering would have been less if he understood that truth.

            True men face hardships. They may be stripped of the doing of manhood by disease, society, or through circumstances. But, this never strips a true man of his manhood. Just being a man of character is enough. Dad was more than enough!