A Return of Appetite

            It’s 7:56 p.m. on Friday June 19, 2015 as I start this blog. Right now I’m trying to hold onto every detail of what is happening in life. I know it’s irrational. If I try to record every detail, then my life is about recording instead of living. But, after a loss, I guess thoughts are irrational. I received a nice email from my buddy, Dennis Deegan. He is going to be a great comfort to me during this time. He wants to meet with my brother. I messaged Lance, but haven’t seen if he’s willing. I suspect he will be. Lance may be handling things better than I am.

            Today we picked out dad’s headstone. After flipping through the books to see the choices, and talking to the guy at the funeral home, Lance and mom had come to a fairly quick decision.

            Right now mom and I are talking to Kim Dalton, who was dad’s nurse at Pebblecreek. She called in the middle of my blogging. I’ll discuss what she said in a later blog.

            Anyhow, we talked to Kim for about an hour and now I’m back. So, Lance and mom came to a decision on dad’s stone fairly quickly. It was one I liked as well. It was fortunate that the stone we really liked was one of the least expensive. I would have hated to really love a stone and it was so expensive that we needed to choose something we didn’t like as well. We picked a nice image of Jesus. It looked like he was praying in the garden. Later we’ll receive a penciled image that we’ll sign off on. So, before everything is carved in stone (pardon the pun), there will be a final approval process. The stone should be done sometime this fall.

            As we were back in the arrangement room, there were all the little boxes and urns for people’s ashes. I’m so glad we didn’t have dad cremated. He had mentioned that to mom, but I think it was just dad trying to save a dime. If we had his ashes in an urn, I don’t think we could ever throw them out. Well, maybe mom and Lance could, but I don’t know I could. That urn would be a constant memory of his death. I want to remember his life. I think even the funeral will eventually become a fond memory. There were some funny and touching things that happened. I’ll discuss that in a later post.

            I still have an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. But, today I was able to eat more normally. After the decisions for the stone, Lance, Mom and I went to Hamburger Station. I ate a gyro, fries and then was looking at a cheeseburger from the six-pack mom and Lance had. I mentioned it and mom said to take one. So, I also had a cheeseburger. We all enjoyed the fries. Both my brother and me had a root beer and mom had a diet cola. I remember we went to Hamburger Station with dad. Dad loved hamburgers. We talked about that a little at Hamburger Station. Through his recovery process, the one thing Dad would have liked to eventually eat again was a hamburger. He never did get back to it. I think the closest he came was some soft meat loaf.

            I’m not sure why I’m want to record every detail. I’m going to eventually have to stop doing that. I still can’t stop taking pictures of everything. Later mom and I went out to Hartville, and when we came back I went out to the garage and took pictures of things out in the garage. Many of the things out there remind me of dad. I’m having a hard time letting things go. I know it will pass, but right now it’s hard. I even opened the trunk of mom’s car and took a picture of the Frisbee golf game she bought for dad. He never used it, but I want the memory. Mom was hoping Dad would use it as part of his recovery.

            On the way back from Hamburger Station, Mom and I stopped at the house my brother and I stay at, and I picked up my toothbrush, toothpaste and floss. Lance was there. We parted at Hamburger Station. He drove separately, since he is going to be spending time with his girlfriend, Sarah. So, tonight I will brush my chomper for the first time since Dad’s funeral. It’s funny how one forgets to do these things when recovering from a loss.

            When Mom and I were back at her house, I took a nap. I keep wavering between nervousness and exhaustion. It’s like waves—waves of nerves, waves of peace, waves of happy and waves of sad. Waves of all kinds of emotions keep washing over me.

            At Hamburger Station, mom and I had talked about going out to Hartville. We’ve gone out to the Hartville Kitchen several times the past few weeks. But, I wanted to be adventurous, so we drove farther down the street and found a Lucky Star Chinese restaurant. It was great! I had beef Lo Mein. Mom had beef and broccoli. We remembered the guy behind the counter. I think he’s the owner. I talked to him briefly. He used to work at a Lucky Star in the Shoppes of Green. We used to eat there quite a bit with dad. After that, mom and I got groceries at Giant Eagle and then headed back home. I guess we are starting to move on. I’m still feeling all nervous and disoriented. I don’t feel like I know what to do with myself. I can only think about dad in spurts. Then my life moves on. And then, it’s like it goes back to dad. I guess this is all part of grief.