Some Healing Today

            It’s 9:03 p.m. It’s raining like crazy. My brother just asked about what time that epitaph thing is tomorrow, dealing with the tombstone. He’s referring to our appointment to choose dad’s headstone. Mom is to my right in a tilt-back chair and Lance is to my front and left on the couch. I’m in a tilt-back chair with my laptop. We're at mom's house. 

            Mom is telling Lance about what happened at Hartville Hardware. Mom and I went there and then afterwards the Hartville Kitchen. Mom is currently hugging her cat, Gizmo. Gizmo hates the storms.

            The Hartville Hardware is huge. They have a house inside the store. And, what is set up like a little village. We ended up in the basement of the Hardware store due to a tornado warning. The sirens were blaring so loudly that mom and I stuffed pieces of napkins mom had into our ears. Water was running in through a set of doors and a guy was moving the water out with a big squeegee.

            The trip home was hectic. There were tons of branches and trees lying in the road and I was watching mom’s GPS trying to help her reroute. We also drove through some deep water.

            Today we’ve been running around and getting on with our lives. Mom just started to tell my brother about our trip out to the mall earlier today. I wanted to go out to Best Buy and get a digital voice recorder to help me record dad’s memoirs. Last night I found myself getting up and needing to turn on a light and write things down. I think the voice recorder will be easier—a way to make notes and then get back to sleep more quickly with less hassle. I also bought a charger and rechargeable batteries.

            Since Best Buy was near the mall, mom and I went out to Chapel Hill Mall. Mom wanted to shop for shoes. She found a nice pair—black leather. She is talking about them right now. She says they are quite vogue. They had about an inch-and-a-half to two-inch heel. At the mall mom explained that helped in the winter to keep the bottom of her pants out of the snow.

            We also walked around the mall. It helped to get rid of that little sick feeling in the stomach. I think it helped burn off some nervous energy. Mom made a “find”. Mom likes to look for coins on the ground and also check vending machines for change. She found two quarters in the return of one vending machine. She mentioned she asked God to let her find some money if dad was in heaven. She said she knows you shouldn’t bargain with God. I said she was given a double-assurance (because of the two quarters). I also mentioned maybe one coin was for dad and one was for Uncle Ted. She talked a little bit about how her and dad loved looking for coins. It was a hobby of theirs. I did feel some relief when out at the mall with mom. It’s like a weight has lifted.

            We did talk about dad today, but it was on and off. For me, I could talk a little while and then I needed to quit talking or talk about something else. Dad was consistently on our minds today, but yet he wasn’t the focus of the day. I feel a little better today. I think being with others help. I suspect when the Bible talks about God’s indwelling Spirit, it may have more to do with God indwelling his people corporately than each person. I don’t think I can deny that he is with individuals, but I think his presence is so much stronger corporately. Anyhow, I’ll have to deal with those issues in another post. I did make some notes about things I’d like to write about in more detail about dad. I think I’m going to have to process things in waves. I can’t handle it all at once and I can’t consistently focus on it. Tomorrow may be hard as I’ll being going to mom for a doctor’s appointment. With all the stress she’s been through, her doctor wants to make sure she’s okay. Mom says I don’t need to go with her. Maybe if I’m having a rough time, I won’t. But, I’d like to. The doctor’s appointment may not be hard, but dad’s doctor, Dr. Nemer, really loved dad and according to mom was really shocked by his loss. So, there may be some reminiscing about dad. What may really be hard is dealing with dad’s headstone—although, maybe it won’t be that bad. The thing about grief is it’s unpredictable. Some things you handle much more easily than you thought. Other things unexpectantly hit your soul like a brick.

            At 1:00 p.m. we have an appointment at Newcomers Funeral Home to deal with dad’s headstone. I mentioned to mom whether she’ll want to decide what she wants on her stone as well. I’m not sure the exact discussion, but I think she just wants to deal with that tomorrow. Actually, I think they may have one stone, since their graves will be side by side. 

            Lance was over at mom’s house in the afternoon. He left a little after 4:00 p.m. Obviously, he came back over sometime while mom and I were in Hartville. I went over to the Kenmore Branch library to picture up some books after he moved his car, which was blocking me in. I wasn’t sure if the library closed early today—sometimes they close at 5:00 p.m. I received a message that material had come in. When there, I found I had some items sent to the Goodyear and also Firestone Park branches. I wanted everything sent out to Kenmore branch and the worker at the library put that in. It shows how scattered my brain is. Of course, I may have ordered the Firestone Park material some time ago. Sometimes I’ll put in a request for material and it takes a long time for it to arrive. I remember when I recently checked my library account that I stilled had the movie Birdman on order. There must be a long backlog of reserves for that movie. Funny thing is that I’ve already watched it. It happened to be there one day when I was at the Firestone branch. For some reason that wasn’t the one I had on reserve, but I could take it out and so I did. Apparently I hadn’t cancelled the one I had on reserve. Okay, I’m getting off track. Maybe that’s part of the grieving process. My brain has been spinning. And, I keep fighting this sinking feeling in my gut.

            Mom just said, “I love you boys.” Right now a commercial for Newcomers Funeral Home came on the TV. I hope they don’t run this commercial too often! I don’t want to be constantly reminded of the funeral home that handled dad’s services.

            Later we may watch “Too Cute”. Mom just brought it up about a minute ago. It will be something good to focus our mind on.

            Part of the reason I feel better is last evening and also today I’ve been able to get some genuine sleep. It’s been on and off, but I have been finding moments of peace.

            Mom and I talked that the three of us (my brother, Lance, me and mom) will grow closer through this. I do think I’ll get to the point where I’ve completely made it through the grieving process. I think I’ll be a better man. I noticed today that I just felt more kindness to people. Today I’m still taking pictures of everything. I took some pictures around mom and dad’s house. I took some pictures of dad’s tomato planters and his riding lawn mower. I even took some pictures of the stains dad left on his bedroom floor before mom cleans it up. She’s already cleaned up some of his messes. I don’t won’t to forget how much pain he suffered. It sounds weird, but I never want to think that dad was a weakling for wanting to die. I want to remember the struggle, so I can recall how tough he was. As I mentioned this to mom, she said dad’s toughness came from her. I would agree with that, but I told her that toughness also had to come from within. She agreed.

            We didn’t go into deep detail of anything with dad. Mom mentioned maybe we’ll need to make a trip down to Amish country. I remembered vaguely we went there with dad. Lance mentioned that he is aware of dad’s energy in the house. He is into ghost hunting. He said it isn’t always the person, but sometimes a person leaves an energy behind, particularly where that person spent a lot of time. I don’t know about that.

            Lance just asked mom for the pillow on dad’s bed. He said he might as well use it. He says he won’t get sad about dad’s pillow. “Dad would want us to”, Lance said, as he talked about using dad pillows.

            Mom is talking about how dad loved us so much. With everything Lance went through, mom said dad didn’t feel condemnation, but wanted Lance to be as he is today. Lance celebrated a year of sobriety this last Sunday.

            Today mom and I talked a little bit about New York City. We have both been there and we both find it fascinating. We talked about maybe going out there with Lance. We are starting to make new memories.

            Mom is now talking about throwing out some of dad’s clothes. Lance and I say it’s okay. I just don’t want anything thrown out if it was something that had special meaning. Today mom and I talked about a purple suit she made for dad. She put a lot of love into making that. Her love was in every stitch. This is something we want to keep, because she made it specifically for him. She said she thought about burying him in it, but we both agreed it wouldn’t have been good. The suit had a disco-vibe that was cool twenty or thirty years ago. Had we buried him in it, it would have looked like we just put the oldest thing in his closet on him.

            On the way back from Hartville Kitchen, mom noticed a restaurant she had never seen before. It was in the plaza across from the McDonalds on Arlington Road near I-77. Mom said it looked like the restaurant was closed. I said it may be a restaurant that hasn’t opened yet. She had this weird feeling. She said she’s missed the last nineteen month in that house (referring to her and dad’s home on Evergreen). She described it as a weird feeling. I said that it was like the world was changing around her while she was standing still. She agreed with that assessment. It’s weird, because I was noticing things like that restaurant and the newer lighting in the McDonalds. Things just keeping moving and changing, but mom (and also me to a certain extent) weren’t aware of changes—and then, all of a sudden you start noticing things. For me, it shows how short life is. That’s one of the difficult things about dealing with loss. You need to deal with your own mortality.

            Mom just mentioned the restaurant “Tommy’s” or “Tammy’s” (* as I’m editing, let me clarify this was the restaurant mentioned in the previous paragraph that mom originally thought had been closed). She asked Lance if it was a new thing. Lance didn’t know. Right now I’m writing while I’m with Lance and Mom. So, as they bring stuff up, I’m just incorporating it into this post.

            Right now Dirty Jobs is on the TV. Lance is playing on his phone. Mom is comforting Gizzy (her cat Gizmo) who hates storms. She said, “Gizzy, it’s okay.” Gizmo went out to the kitchen. Bootsie is lying on the floor. She looks pretty relaxed. I think I’m going to end this post and do some editing and proofreading. The internet is out, so I probably won’t get it published until tomorrow. I also think I’m going to have to spend less time editing and proofreading these post in order to expedite getting these thoughts down. So, if you’re a Grammar Nazi like me, you’ll have to forgive my little errors.