Parable of the Squirrel and the Acorns

            Sammy was a wee little squirrel. Even a gigantic squirrel is a tiny creature in the forest—far smaller than a mighty buck, ferocious grizzly, or fierce mountain lion. But, poor little Sammy was even small for a squirrel. All his friends jokingly called him, “Chipmunk”. He hated that name.

            Sammy decided he would try to eat himself big. But, no matter how many acorns he ate, he just wouldn’t grow. As the leaves began to change to vibrant shades of orange, yellow and brown, Sammy was far more zealous than his fellow squirrels hiding acorns in preparation. He kept thinking, “I’m going to eat myself bigger and bigger!” So, he kept eating and storing acorns, eating and storing.

            Years passed and Sammy didn’t grow an ounce.

            “Hey chipmunk! Missed a nut!”

            “Argghhh! Leave me alone!”

            “Oh, look at the hardest working squirrel in the forest—eating and storing, eating and storing.”

            But, Sammy just kept at it—eating and storing, eating and storing. One day he met a gigantic squirrel in the forest—nearly as big as a cat! “Hey, Mr. Squirrel. How’d you grow so big?”

            “Oh, I don’t know. I guess I was just born that way. Everything I eat just makes me grow bigger and bigger. Must be good metabolism I guess.”

            “Yeah, yeah, . . . I guess.” Sammy skulked away and hid in his nest, gently sobbing. “Why can’t I grow bigger? Oh, why! Why can’t I grow bigger? I eat and store more acorns than any beast in the forest!”

            Over time Sammy grew old and feeble. He was no longer able to eat and store as much as before. But, he kept at it. If nothing else, he had faith—faith that all his efforts would eventually pay off. Soon fall slipped into winter and Sammy breathed his last breath. All the squirrels mourned the loss of Sammy. And, they all remember him eating and storing, eating and storing.

            Years passed and soon Sammy was forgotten. It seemed all his eating and storing was for naught, but Sammy’s life had left a legacy. Over all the years of his life he stored acorns in the ground—far more acorns than any squirrel had ever stored. Those tiny acorns over time grew into mighty trees. A mighty forest grew. A forest planted by one wee, tiny little squirrel named Sammy—eating and storing, eating and storing. Sammy never knew the fruits of his life. He never saw the mighty oaks and he never grew an ounce, but his faithfulness remained rooted in the trees of that forest.

Fundamentals of Human Nature

As a teacher for many decades and someone that’s been around the block, I’m somewhat of a student of human nature. If you need to work with, live, or communicate with others, you have to understand what makes people tick. So, let me share some basics of human behavior.

Repeat, Repeat, and Repeat Again

Repetition is a key principle to teaching. People don’t absorb things the first time they hear them. If you want to get a message through, you often have to express it several times—and in several different ways. As a former college instructor, I can tell you that students don’t read the syllabus. The information is there, but unless you find ways to put it in front of people and make them pay attention to it, your message won’t get across.

People Hear What They Want

People often don’t hear what you say. They often hear what they want to hear. Much of this is due to the bifurcated nature of American society. We’re conditioned to either drink Coke or Pepsi, drive a Chevy or a Ford, or vote for a Republican or Democrat. So, people often live in an echo chamber that reinforces their own values, beliefs, and preferences. When confronted with an opposing viewpoint, people don’t listen. Oh, they’ll listen to a point—and, that point is until they recognize an opposing viewpoint. Then, the ears are off and they begin to formulate their response, which is often more just a repetition of talking points bouncing off the walls of their echo chamber than a fully reasoned response. Instead of hearing the other party out, they want to argue—and, the arguing begins in their mind even before they fully understand what the other party has to say.

Hearing what one wants to hear is particularly true of those who vehemently hold to political viewpoints. They often believe more in the marketing of their chosen party or candidate than what that person does—or, the true impact of their policies. 

People are Driven by Emotions

Most people believe they are logical. And, most aren’t. They pick a certain brand of cookie, because it brings up memories of their childhood—even if that particularly cookie is a conglomerate of trans fat, chemicals, and artificial sweeteners. They’ll pick a vehicle that makes them feel safe—even if that vehicle has a well known safety flaw that can cause issues. They’ll pick a political candidates that feels friendly and reminds them of a relative—even if that candidate is pushing policies that directly harms them.

So, why do most people think they are logical? Well, they do use their logic for one primary purpose.

People Use Logic to Justify Their Emotional Wants

People will find a logical way to justify what their heart wants. Now, that logic may be riddled with illogical assumptions, falsehoods, and half-truths; but, and this is important to understand, the logic seems perfectly logical to them. And, they’ll instinctively  gravitate towards things that reinforce their logic even if it’s not logical. 

Ever wonder why you can’t have a real discussion with people on issues involving politics, religion, or deep seated beliefs? They’re not listening—particularly if you appeal to logic, even if your logic is impeccable. So, how do you convince them? You need to connect to them on an emotional level. As they open up to you, you can share opposing viewpoints. But, this must be done in small doses. You only share until they start to resist (and begin using their logic to justify their emotions). Once you hit that wall, just back off and table things until they are again open to another small dose. Don’t think one argument will pivot them 180 like a Top Gun pilot doing a high speed maneuver. People change their opinions in long arcs—more like a huge ocean liner being turned by a small rudder. This is particularly true for people in cults; or, people who hold cult-like loyalty to something. But, why is that?

People Would Rather Believe a Lie Than Admit They Were Duped

As ridiculous as that statement sounds, it’s true. It’s particularly true of people that tend to view things in terms of black and white. When someone cannot see things in terms of grey, then their viewpoints become the gospel and opposing viewpoints are the enemy. This can quickly develop into a bunker mentality—particularly to people who are somehow vulnerable (under economic hardship, in bad relationships, or under a great deal of stress). Under stress, people become less logical and more driven by their emotions. This leads them to grasping for hope—and, not thinking through if that hope is true or not. 

Conclusions

This is just a short article on some truths of human nature. You may think I’m being judgmental and condescending, but truth be told, I’ve seen these characteristics in myself from time to time. If we’re honest, we’re less logical than we claim to be. We don’t listen to others as we should. We want to defend ourselves and our fragile egos more than show understanding to others. It’s the human condition.

The Cautionary Tale of Can’t Even Cliff

The room was a chilling purgatory filled with tired, hungry, slumped masses of human flesh waiting for their number to be called. You would expect this in a war-torn third world country with aching supply lines and battered social workers struggling to keep up with the demand for human services. But, this was the scene on August 28th, 2023 in the ER at Akron City Hospital.

Several people were complaining of the cold. There was also the boredom—the sheer boredom of just sitting there without anything to watch. The TV’s weren’t working. According to the man at the desk, the remotes had been stolen. Apparently no one thought about ordering a few $4 universal remotes on Amazon and some of those chains connected to pens at the bank. Sure, there were common sense solutions, but apparently no one in the ER had either the initiative or authority to make changes. So, the masses sat there—frozen, bored, and waiting hours to be seen.

A man was grumbling about the price of a drink from the vending machine. I thought I heard him say three dollars and twenty cents. But, that can’t be right, can it? It looked like he had a ginger ale. No, it couldn’t be right if, IF, decisions were made with compassion. What kind of monster would hijack exorbitant fees from some poor fellow seeking a drink in that freezing purgatory?

Why was it so cold? This was an ER. You expect people to come in battling illness and injury. Some may have a fever. Some may have the next pandemic. Some might not have planned to bring their winter coat, because they slipped while in their robe. So, why so chilly? The whole situation begs the question, “Why?” And there was an answer.

The grumbling from the masses finally led to the grumbling from a worker. Mention was made about the CEO closing 160 rooms and how things in the ER had been slow ever since the pandemic. I only heard pieces of the story, because my phone rang. It was my brother calling to check up on Mom. I had taken her to get her head checked after she may have taken a tumble. The top of her head was significantly scarred.

I’m guessing between when we arrived and when she finally had a room that we were there around five hours. It took five hours to figure out what to do with an 82-year old woman who may have fallen, didn’t remember the fall, and who had significant scarring on her head. I don’t know what happened. Mom doesn’t remember what happened. The events or series of events that led to Mom being there was a mystery. Don’t you think such a mystery would require speeding things up a bit?

She had been taken back into the triage areas several times. The first time they asked some questions and took an EKG. Then, she was sent back out into the chilly waiting area. Later, it was some blood work and then back out to the chilly waiting area. Later, they took her back for a CAT scan. The results were supposed to take about 30-45 minutes. It took hours before we heard anything.

That comment about the CEO has me thinking that he may be the problem. It’s usually the CEO that is the problem. While I can’t say for sure, many companies I’ve worked for have had a useless CEO. They basically cut corners so they can make a little more scratch. According to Propublica.org, the CEO of Summa Health, Cliff Deveny, made $1,659,225 in 2020. All that money for a guy that can’t even run an organization with proper heating and working TVs in an ER waiting area. All that money for a guy that can’t even run an organization that provides speedy care for an 82-year old woman with scarring on her head. All that money for a guy that can’t even figure out how to supply a decently priced ginger ale to an ailing man in need. Let’s call him Can’t Even Cliff because he can’t even do his job.

What us common folk are stuck with is the ER of a third-world, war-torn country because Can’t Even Cliff can’t even do his job. What us common folk are stuck with is the danger of having our mother or grandmother not getting the urgency of care needed because Can’t Even Cliff can’t even do his job. What us common folk are stuck with is an ER staff that have lost their fire for treating patients—it was evident in the muffled grumblings of the worker—because Can’t Even Cliff can’t even do his job.

I wonder what would happen if Can’t Even Cliff came in with the same injuries as my Mom. Well, being this is America, I’m betting Can’t Even Cliff’s staff would find a can-do attitude. I suspect Can’t Even Cliff would get the care my Mom deserved even though Can’t Even Cliff can’t even do his job. This is what I’ve seen in our country. The Can’t Even C-levels get the can-do and the rest of us are stuck in a freezing, boring, wait-your-turn purgatory. Maybe it’s time we stand up, because we can’t even take it any longer.

How's the New Diet Going

January is coming to an end, so I thought I would update everyone on how the diet is going. So far things are positive.

My Weight is Down

I’ve lost about 5-6 pounds in January. If I can keep that up, I should be in beach body shape by summer. Not that I go to the beach a lot, but if I do, maybe I’ll be showing off a six pack.

The Body Fat is Down

As important as weight loss is fat loss is even more important. I have one of those fancy scales that analyzes body composition. I know they’re not completely accurate, but they’re a good tool. Plus, what the scale says also agrees with what my mirror says. My overall body fat is now in the green. Yeah me! I still want to lose some weight, but I’m at the upper end of normal. Unfortunately, my visceral fat is still high.  So, I still have weight to lose.

I’m Off Caffeine

I’ve quit caffeine. I’m not worried about trace amounts I may get if I eat a sliver of chocolate, but I’m off tea and other caffeinated beverages. I’m sleeping deeper. I still haven’t quite gotten my energy back up to normal, but that is supposed to take some time.

I’m Exercising Regularly

I have kept up exercising. With quitting caffeine, I think I may need to moderate what I’m doing and take it easy for a while, but I’m still moving and grooving! 

Fasting is Becoming Easier

I’ve been incorporating fasting into my lifestyle. Right now I’m in my fifth fast of the year. I’ve completed three 66-hour fasts and one of about 63 hours. I’ve chosen a 66-hour fast, because it gives many of the benefits I’m looking for—weight loss, a bump in growth hormone, increase insulin sensitivity, autophagy and healing. It’s also short enough that I can do it weekly while still getting in enough calories and nutrients the rest of the week. Anything much longer couldn’t be done on a regular basis. On the days I am eating, I often fast for 14-16 hours a day.

Back to the Vegan Lifestyle

I’m back to eating a primarily whole food plant based diet. I do allow allowances for religious celebrations. For example, we have challah bread on Shabbat where I attend. I’m certain that may occasionally have something like eggs or butter. For something like Pesach (Passover), I would eat some lamb if it were served. So, I’m basically eating about 95-99% whole food plant based.

Summary

Things are going well. The weight is going down and my health is going up. Hopefully I can exit 2023 much healthier that I entered it.

The Diet So Far

It’s early in 2023, so I’m not expecting miracles with the new diet. I’m eating a whole food, plant-based diet. I’m trying to completely cut caffeine, which I’ve been off for about a week. I’m also trying to drastically cut my salt. So, how are things going?

Maybe a Few Pounds

It’s hard to tell if there’s been any real weight loss. It’s only ten days in and my weight can fluctuate 5 pounds or so within a day. I would guess I’ve probably lost a pound or two. I also feel like I’m slightly more solid. So, while I’ll have to track things over the next few months, I think the body composition is heading in the right direction.

Fasting is Easier

I’ve over 35 hours into a 66-hour fast. Hopefully I can get through it. I’ve found short-term fasting has tremendous impact on my body. But, it’s really hard. Right now I’m doing well. The first 24 hours was relatively easy. I’ve never had the first 24 hours go so well, so maybe it’s a good sign that fasting is getting easier.

Blood Pressure is Down

This morning my blood pressure was 110/73. I still have some weight to lose, so that might go down a little more, but that’s an ideal blood pressure. So, I’m happy. Maybe if it gets lower, I can add some salt back into my diet. I definitely have to break my salt tooth first, so small amounts are tasty.

Eye Sight Seems to Be Improving

I don’t know why, but fasting often improves my eyesight. Perhaps it’s better blood sugar control, autophagy, or some sort of healing process, but I’ll take it. I notice colors seem more vivid. I also notice the pixels when I look at a screen and also can read fine print easier. So, I’m able to see small details better. 

Still Some Slight Caffeine Withdrawal

I don’t think I’m completely over caffeine withdrawal. I notice an occasional slight headache and that’s not just when fasting. I also just don’t have the same verve when I workout. The fact I’m having some withdrawal likely means I did need to quit.

Summary

Overall, things are going well. I feel like my body is healing. I don’t quite have the same energy level yet, but I think that’s due to caffeine withdrawal. My body feels more at peace. So, good things. Wish me luck!

The New Diet Has Begun

With the start of a new year comes a new diet. Maybe by blogging about it, I can get some people to hold me accountable. I know what to do. It’s the willpower and discipline that makes things hard. Becoming healthier would be easier if I didn’t get so hungry.

Short Term Fasting

I’ve incorporated short term fasting in the past and it’s always produced fabulous results. My goal right now is to try to fast 48-72 hours a week. I’ve picked that length of fasting for a few reasons. First, many of the benefits of fasting happen in that 2-3 day window, including:

    • An increase in human growth hormone production

    • A decrease in insulin levels

    • An increase in fat burning as the body switches over fuel systems

    • An increase in autophagy, which is a fancy way of saying the body is breaking down worn out cells

These are the main benefits I’m looking for. Sure, there are some additional benefits to longer fasts, but I want to get used to fasting, which requires practicing it. It’s simply hard to fast any longer than this on a weekly basis and then be able to eat enough calories and nutrients on the feeding days to maximize health.

Lower Sodium

I’m a saltaholic. I love salt. Decreasing salt is going to be hard. Unfortunately, I happen to be one of those unlucky souls whose blood pressure reacts badly to sodium. So, I’m going to have to face the music and cut the salt.

Reduce Caffeine

Caffeine also raises my blood pressure. Lucky me! Just like everyone else, I love a good jolt of caffeine, but I just can’t consume it on a regular basis and stay healthy. So, it has to go—at least the majority of the time.

Exercise

I have gotten into the habit of exercising regularly. So, it’s really about monitoring and adapting it to my body. I love the effects of hard exercise—particularly interval training and resistance training. I’ve found I need to adjust how much of that type of training I do based on how my body feels. Too much and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.

Reduce Body Fat

If you were to look at me, you’d likely think, “When he was younger, he may have been an athlete.” I don’t want to look like I used to be an athlete. I want to look like an athlete in the present. So, I need to carve some body fat.

Maintain Muscle

This will be hard to monitor until I’ve taken off 20-30 pounds. As you lose weight, your lean body mass goes down. This is true even if you exercise to maintain muscle mass. So, I need to get closer to my ideal weight before I know what my lean body mass should be. I’m tracking things with a scale that analyzes body composition. Yes, I know they aren’t completely accurate, but they are a tool that will give me a general idea of where I’m at.

Whole Food Plant Based

The whole food planted based diet is pretty popular now. I’ve eaten that way in the past and it works amazingly well with my body. So, this is how I want to eat. I know there may be the occasional social event where it’s not feasible, but I want to try to control the meals I prepare on a regular basis as much as possible. 

Results So Far

The results so far have been impressive. I know that seems like an incredulous statement. It’s only a few days into 2023 and I’m already noticing improvements. That’s part of the power of fasting and a whole food plant based diet. It seems that combination is what works best for my body.

I do notice a slight reduction in body fat. What that is doing is bringing out more muscle definition. Hopefully I can end the year being buff. Right now I’m muscular, but I’m a bit too chubby to look really good.

I’m on my way to changing my body. It’s a positive journey, but it’s not an easy one. Wish me luck!

Restore Common Sense to Our Medical System

During some point in our lives, we’re all going to encounter the bureaucracy of medical treatment. And, we’re going to conclude that our system sucks. It’s often not the people. Sure, I’ve met a few doctors with a grumpy bedside manner, but on the whole the nurses, doctors, home health aides, and medical suppliers I’ve dealt with have been fine people. Some have been the kindest, most caring people I’ve met, who brought needed hope to a loved one in need. So, it’s not the people—at least not the ones on the front lines. But the system is faulty.

Rather than look at the system as a whole, I’d like to look at small details. A lack of attention to small details shows that somewhere along the line there’s an error. I’m sure as I point these things out, others have thought about them. They’ve talked to supervisors, medical suppliers, pharmaceutical companies, and politicians. As the little details have moved up the chain of bureaucracy, there’s been some shortsighted dimwit that has just given the response, “Well, we just can’t do that.”, or “That will cost extra money.”, or “You just don’t understand how the system works.” In some conference room, where the people with the real power make decisions that affect people’s lives, stupidity reigns, because corporate America is ruled by profits, power, and convenience for the small group of soulless jackasses that have the final say. So, let’s look at some of those details. As I’ve helped care for loves ones, it’s often these little details that frost me.

Let’s Read the Fine Print

Or, maybe we won’t read the fine print. Have you seen the fine print? You’d need a microscope to read the print on pill bottles, instruction stickers on medical devices, or the tiny print on a cellphone a home health aide is carrying, because their company thinks they only need one device. Wouldn’t want to pay a hundred bucks for a large tablet so grandma can read the fine print, now would we?

I’ve wondered, as I’ve seen an elderly relative struggle to read the fine print, why don’t they give them bigger instructions? And, why aren’t there instructions on the side of the oxygen tank? I know there’s room. Someone had enough thought to put the company phone number on the side in a thousand-point font, because, well, when that tank is empty, we need a call so we can sell another. Why aren’t things labeled in big, clear, easy to understand ways? Doesn’t anyone think about these things? My only conclusion is that someone has thought about these things. I can’t be the only one. Things were pushed up the chain and eventually died, because a lazy middle manager didn’t want to be bothered. Or, made it all the way up to the boardroom of jackasses and died, because that would cost an extra nickel. Well, if you multiply a nickel by a million orders, I’ll have to buy a smaller yacht.

Pills, Pills, Pills

Ah yes, the bag of pills. It’s a huge bag that’s extremely confusing to someone that can’t read the labels. Because, remember, the label is microscopic. Did you know it’s hard to read small print on a curve? Squint. Rotate. Squint. Rotate. Squint. Rotate. I’m getting a headache. And, why aren’t these instructions in English? I recognize all the characters, so it looks like English, but I don’t comprehend what’s being said. I’m a writer that’s helping my elderly relative. I’ve taught college English classes, so I should be able to figure this out, but there’s a lack of clarity in the wording. And then, it dawns on me. Instructions for something as important as a critical medicine, something that could turn dangerous or even deadly if misused, shouldn’t be reduced to one-hundred-forty characters like a Twitter post. Well, actually, I’m not even sure if they could fit one-hundred-forty characters on this teensy, tiny little label. My thumbnail is bigger

Did you know they can make injection molded plastic into cube shapes? Hard to believe, isn’t it? Simply making the pill bottle larger and square would help the situation. Of course, printing out the instructions on a regular sheet of paper in big print would really help. It may even give room to give complete instructions without any abbreviations or jargon. Yeah, that would really help. Of course, there goes some fuel for some useless jackass’s leer jet.

I have an idea. Now, I know this is going to be bold. It may be so brilliant that no one else has ever thought about it. Why not also print out a full list of all medications the person should be taking? Make it simple—include times, doses, and full instructions. And, include it with every prescription refill, because sometimes elderly people have a change in their medication and simply giving them obscure instructions about their new pill doesn’t tell them whether they should keep taking the old pill or if the new pill replaces the old one. Or, and I’m really spitballing here, because this idea is at an Einsteinian level of brilliance, why not have the pharmacist presort all the pills into little packets—Monday morning pills in one packet, Monday evening in another packet, Tuesday morning in another packet, and so on! I know, I know. Nickels and dimes, leer jets and yachts without fuel, and what if the pharmacy had to hire another person to do all that sorting? Oh, heaven forbid we help grandma and create a new job!

Then there is the pill splitter. Let’s give an elderly person with bent hands a pill the size of ladybug and expect them to split it with a little, cheap, injection molded plastic device. How’s that working for them?

Why are some of these pills so small? Don’t they have any fillers that could make them a reasonable size for disfigured hands to hold. We’ve all found a loved one’s pill on the floor. Somewhere along the line, with the forty-seven pills in their hand, one broke loose. We don’t know when it happened. We’re just glad they’re still alive. 

Touchscreens

Zombie fingers. Have you heard of zombie fingers? No, well, you’re about to learn something. Have you ever watched an elderly person fumble with a cellphone? Or, maybe it’s that touchscreen a home health aide hands them. You know, that device that has crucial information they need to read and understand. And then, instead of focusing on the information, it’s a struggle to scroll, pinch, and expand text. Touchscreens are designed to register electrical signals from contact with skin. But, people with circulator issues, or other medical conditions, may not have proper blood flow and function in their fingers. That can impact the electrical signals and the touchscreen doesn’t work properly.

Everything anymore is designed to function around the touchscreen. If your fingers work properly, that cellphone, tablet, or device can make your life easier. But, if your fingers don’t work properly, all those devices just make life harder. I’m not saying get rid of touchscreens. If you try to take away my iPad, you’re going to have a fight on your hands! But, there needs to be alternate ways to access information for elderly patients that need medical care. The touchscreen may not be the right tool for them, but what does every visiting nurse, home health aide, or medical supplier carry?

Zombie finger is well known. I found out about it, because I watched an elderly relative consistently struggle with a cellphone. I did a little research—nothing in-depth, just a quick Google search. I mentioned it to a home health nurse, who was carrying her touchscreen, but had never heard about it. Why? Why wouldn’t she know? Do you think device manufacturers are aware of the issue? And, in boardroom discussions, do you think there was talk about keeping a lid on this little problem? There could be research into make the device friendly for all users, but then, nickels and dimes, nickels and dimes, there goes my vacation to Bermuda. Why worry about the disenfranchised few when the phones are flying off the shelves? So what if grandpa is getting his physical therapy and is struggling with that touchscreen his occupational therapist gave him. It’s not our problem!

The Oxygen Tanks

Tank would be a good word. These things are huge. And, heavy! Really heavy! They’re not heavy for me or the guy that brings them to the house. No, we’re healthy men. We don’t have rheumatoid arthritis and breathing issues. I deadlifted twenty times the weight just this morning. But for a small, elderly woman with rheumatoid, these things are huge. Why? Can’t they make them lighter? We have plastics, polymers, and carbon fibers. Oh, right, nickels and dimes. But, once the tank is made, the company takes away the old tanks when they’re empty. I assume they sterilize them and refill them. So, the cost of a better tank is a one-time investment to make someone’s life easier.

Why are they round? Won’t a round tank roll around in the backseat or trunk of someone’s car? Plus, doesn’t a cylinder have less volume that a cuboid shape? So, a cylinder would have less oxygen than if the shape was squared off—meaning it has to be bigger to carry the needed oxygen. I know some engineer right now is thinking about the problems of manufacturing a cuboid shaped oxygen tank made of a lightweight polymer. There probably are issues, but we put a man on the moon, didn’t we? And, I’m sure that man needed some oxygen.

Summary

I know sometimes I think too much about things, but I also know others have come to these same conclusions. The little details at times can be infuriating. These little details can become big struggles. Or, sometimes a big catastrophe that leads to a hospital stay or even death. The small details are just a symptom of bigger problems. And, that’s really at the heart of many of the problems of our medical system. We sometimes treat symptoms and don’t uncover the underlying illness. And, that underlying illness is usually the nickels and dimes that fuel some useless extravagance. 

Andy the Android: A Modern Day Parable

            “I can’t believe I get to take home Andy tonight!” Joe was ecstatic.

            “Calm down, dude. It’s only an android.” Steve peers at him whimsically.

            “Only an android? This thing walks and talks like a man. It has a heuristic computer with quadrillions of connections and bits of memory. Oh, man! And Zimmerman is in there installing the final pieces!”

            “Alright, alright! I got to admit. Having your own android is going to be pretty cool.”

            “You betcha! Man, I love working at Heuristic Robotics!”

            “I can’t believe you got Zimmerman—world’s foremost expert on artificial sight and hearing.”

            “The same artificial eyes and ears that restore sight and sound to humans are being installed in Andy, . . . this very moment!”

            “How about that entire network of nerves he created?”

            “I know! I know! Zimmerman’s giving him a sense of touch, taste, and smell. It’s going to be sweet!”

            Just then the door swings open. “Vell, boyz, zee android iz done.”

            Joe and Steve chuckle under their breaths at Zimmerman’s accent. They’ve been laughing ever since they first had class together six years ago when Zimmerman taught college.

            Joe billows, “Thanks Doctor Zimmerman.”

            The two of them hustle into the room. Andy is laying lifeless on a stainless steel gurney. Joe opens a small door hidden by his hairline.

            “Man,” says Steve. “This thing looks almost human.”

            Joe flips the switch and Andy sits up. “Happy Birthday!”

            Andy looks around the room. He appears a little bewildered.

            “Okay, Andy. Stand up.”

            Andy gazes at Joe. “That does not compute.”

            Steve takes a seat next to Andy. “Okay, Andy. Watch me.” He then stands up next to the gurney. Andy mirrors his motions.

            Joe commands Andy, “Okay, follow me to the car.” Steve and Joe walk out of the room. Andy remains behind, standing by the gurney. Steve chuckles, “Well, he’s your android. Good luck with that. I’m off to lunch.”

            Joe heads back into the room. “Okay, Andy, watch me and walk like I do. Just follow me.” Joe slowly begins to walk and Andy follows, mirroring every move. By the time they reach the parking lot the two of them are hitting a quick stride. Joe walks to the passenger side of the car and stops. “Okay, just stand here and watch me.” He opens the door, sits down in the passenger seats, gets back up, and closes the door. “Okay, now you do it.”

            Andy opens the door, sits down, gets back up, and closes the door.

            “Okay, okay. You almost got it right. Watch me do it again.” Joe opens the passenger door, sits down and closes the passenger door. He then rolls down the window. “Okay, after I get out of the car, you do exactly what I just did.”

            Andy opens the passenger’s door, sits down, closes the passenger door, and rolls down the window. Joe chuckles. “Well, I guess he learns by mimicry.”

            They drive away. “Okay, Andy. I’m taking you to the library. Access your files about reading and learning.”

            “Accessing, . . . accessing. Files downloaded and absorbed.”

            They pull into the library. Joe and Andy orchestrate a ballet of mimicry getting Andy into the building. Soon Andy is seated at a table. Joe has gathered some textbooks on robotics and cybernetics. “Okay, Andy, I want you to read these books.”

            Andy picks up the first book, Fundamentals of Robotics and Cybernetics: Exploring Cutting Edge Technologies in Artificial Intelligence. He begins to read. Joe looks at Andy and chuckles. “He looks bored . . . Nah, can’t be. He should soak up this stuff like a sponge.”

            In the corner of the room a group of children congregate for story time. A cheerful man begins to read Dr. Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat. Andy rises from his seat, walks over to where the children are, sits down, and listens intently. He even appears to chuckle at a few points. Joe is somewhat dismayed. “I wonder if there’s some sort of malfunction? I may have to take him back to the shop tomorrow.”

            Later that evening Joe and Andy are in Joe’s apartment. Andy sees Joe petting his cat, Snowball. Joe goes to the fridge for a drink. Andy begins to pet Snowball.

            RRRRRRrrrrrrrr! Snowball runs and hides under the couch.

            “No, no, no, Andy! You need to pet a cat lightly.”

            “That does not compute.”

            “Cat’s are fragile. If you’re not careful you can hurt them.”

            “That does not compute.”

            Joe grabs a few eggs from the fridge. He walks over to Andy. “Okay, fragile. Fragile things break easy. Grab this egg.” Andy grabs the egg, which cracks spilling on the floor. “You see. You broke it. Fragile things break easily. Now, take this next egg, but be gentle.”

            Andy gently holds the egg.

            “There, now you got it. Fragile—breaks easily, so you have to be gentle.”

            Andy stares at the egg in amazement. “Fragile.”

            “Yes, fragile. Fragile things break easily and need to be handled with care. Cats are fragile.”

            “Fragile. Cats are fragile. I understand.”

            The next morning it was back to the library. Again, Andy looked quite bored reading the textbooks. “Andy, do you know what you are reading?”

            “This does not compute.”

            “Andy, these are the greatest concepts known to man.”

            “Concepts? That does not compute.”

            “Concepts. You know, ideas.”

            “Ideas? That does not compute, . . . Oh, the Cat in the Hat.”

            Joe notices the children beginning to congregate for story time.

            “No, Andy. No Cat in the Hat. Today he’ll tell another story.”

            “Andy likes stories.” The android meanders over and sits with the children. He listens intently to Green Eggs and Ham. At a few points he even chuckles aloud.

            Joe watches from a distance, thinking, “I’m not too sure about this android. He can’t grasp a concept, but Sam I Am—he loves that! I think I need to take him back to the shop and call in Zimmerman.”

            After story time Joe and Andy head back to the shop. Andy is seated on the edge of the gurney as Zimmerman walks in.

            “Zoe, vat seems to be da problem?”

            “Andy just can’t seem to grasp concepts.”

            “Oh, I zee, I zee. Vell, vat does he grazp?”

            “He is good at mimicry and enjoys Dr. Seuss.”

            When Andy hears “Dr. Seuss” he grows excited. He recites, word-for-word, the entire text from Green Eggs and Ham.

            “You see, Dr. Zimmerman. That can’t be right for an android with a heuristic brain with quadrillions of connections.”

            Zimmerman peers at Joe whimsically. “And, vwhy iz dat not right? Vwe programmed him to learn.”

            “Well yeah, but Dr. Seuss? Why Dr. Seuss? Why mimicry?”

            “Vwell, vwe gave him zight, zound, touch, taszte, and smell. All his inputz and outputz are zsenzory in nature.”

            “Okay, his inputs and outputs are sensory in nature. What’s that got to do with it?”

            “Vell, if hisz inputz and outputz are zsenzory then how iz he going to learn?”

            “In a sensory fashion?”

            “Goodt, goodt! Yesz, he’z going to learn through hisz zsenses.”

            “But, I want him to read textbooks. I want him to encounter all the greatest concepts mankind has to offer.”

            “Do you like reading zee textboosks?”

            “Well, no. Not really.”

            “But, why Dr. Seuss? Why does he love Seuss?”

            “Storiez create imagez the mind can zee, hear, szmell, and taste. The characters, the plot, even zee rhzym of Dr. Zeuss is zsensory in nature.” Zimmerman peers at Joe as the truth begins to zink in. “Do youz remember taking my clazz inz college?”

            “Of course I do. That was my favorite class.”

            “Did I givze you a bunch of conceptz.”

            “I remember you gave a ton of stories, analogies, and demonstrations. It was unlike any class I’ve ever had!”

            “Yez, Yesz. So, did you learnz the conceptz?”

            “I sure did. Boy, those concepts were tough, but all those stories, analogies, and demonstrations gave my mind something to grasp.”

            “Zo, why should zee android be any different?”

            “I, . . . I, I guess he shouldn’t. You’ve given me a lot to think about, Dr. Zimmerman. Thanks for all your help.”

            “No problem, my yzoung friend.”

            Over the weeks and months that followed, Joe and Andy read a lot of Dr. Seuss. Joe tells Andy stories. He shows Andy the best videos he can find. He teaches Andy using a hands-on approach.

            Andy has many encounters with cats before he learns to handle them properly. But, don’t worry, no cats were harmed during the training of our android, . . . at least none seriously. Fluffy did develop a facial tick when someone tugs on her tail. But, don’t fret. All the kids in the neighborhood love Fluffy!

            As Joe teaches Andy, he begins to understand how people learn. He begins to notice people have a hard time grasping concepts, but stories, analogies, and hands-on learning they pick up quite easily. And, once all those sensory-oriented inputs begin to take root, they then begin to grasp concepts.    

Finding the Beat for Percussive Ukulele

 

              As I’m exploring percussive ukulele, I’m working to develop a systematic approach that will help me. Eventually, I hope to turn that systematic approach into a system that will help others. The basic unit (in terms of rhythmic ukulele) is a strum pattern. My initial plan is to build percussive strum patterns that are based on common strum patterns and drum patterns—a toolbox of techniques I can use to make music.

              However, the strum pattern isn’t at the foundational level of the beat. The strum pattern rests upon the foundation of the beat. Gloria Estefan would be proud because the rhythm is going to get me!

The Beat and Barre

              The foundational unit of rhythm in music is called a barre. You could think of it as a short rhythmic sentence. Each barre has a number of beats. But, how many? Fortunately, music is written in a way that tells us. It’s called the time signature. The time signature looks like a fraction that sits on the left end of the musical staff (all those lines and spaces). The top number in the fraction tells us how many beats are in each barre.

              The most common number of beats is four. You may have heard of four-four time or common time. That is the most common time signature in Western music. For now, we’re not going to worry about the bottom number in the time signature fraction.

              Each beat can receive a different amount of emphasis—HI, MID, or lo. So, with four beats we generally have the following pattern:

One                     Two                    Three                 Four

HI                         lo                      MID                    lo

              This pattern of HI, lo, MID, lo keeps repeating throughout the song. It forms the rhythmic spine upon which the notes and percussive sounds are built.

How Are Beats Emphasized

              You may be wondering, “How do I distinguish between the HI, MID, and lo emphasis?” One way is by volume. We do this when we’re speaking, don’t we? We naturally emphasis certain syllables in a word. The same is true of music. One syllable (beat) can be louder, softer, or somewhere in the middle. If you listen to lyrics, you may notice some lyrics really don’t sound the way someone would write. The words may be in a little strange order (at least when looked at solely as writing). Or, phrasing may be a little unusual. Yet, when you sing it, it sounds great. Why is that? The person writing the lyrics needs to line up the ordinary emphasis of the syllables of the words with the normal emphasis of the beats of the music. Obviously, this isn’t always a one-to-one correlation, but certain ways to organize words just sound more musical or poetic—and that’s because the emphasis of the syllables has a musical rhythm to it. The lyric writer at times may be doing this unconsciously, but they must write with a sense of beat.

              Percussive sounds can also provide different emphasis to beats. A bass drum (some sort of kick drum or concert bass drum) grabs the ear’s attention with a thunderous sound. Just imagine The 1812 Overture with those earth-shaking cannon blasts. Low frequency sounds tend to grab our attention more than the snap of a hi hat or cymbal. If you’ve ever heard a pipe organ live, the visceral feel of the pedal tones gives a satisfying feel to the music.

              Ever notice that many drumbeats are based around the kick drum, snare, and hi hat. Why is that? The kick provides a HI emphasis with its low-end rumble. The snare provides a MID emphasis, with its clean sound. The hi hat gives a lo emphasis with its tsk sound.

              There are other drums we could look at. The djembe and cajon base their sonic palette around three sounds: bass, tone, and slap. Hmmm? That sounds familiar. Bass: HI, tone: MID, and slap: lo.

              Please, if you’re a drummer, don’t be offended by this discussion. I’m aware drums are capable of an enormous range of sounds and I’m oversimplifying your craft. I’m in the process of figuring out how to make percussive sounds on an ukulele, which has a much smaller array of percussive sounds than a drum kit, djembe, or cajon. So, I must simplify the drum sounds. Thinking in terms of using the three main sounds of HI, MID, and lo emphasis is fitting for the percussive limitations of an ukulele.

              Another way to emphasize is by the grabbiness of a sound. Some sounds just grab our ears. More cowbell, please!

              So, we have three ways to emphasis beats: volume, frequency, and grabbiness. Can you understand why many bands have a bass player and drummer? They help to create the beat, which provides a rhythmic foundation for music. With percussive ukulele, we’re not trying to exactly duplicate the sounds bass and drums create. What we’re trying to do is to play in a way that helps to reinforce the beat.

The Offbeat

              Let’s consider the word “ukulele” for a moment. Listen closely to how it sounds. In general, the first two syllables—“uk” and “u”—are spoken in a way that each syllable lasts about the same amount of time. But, those last two syllables, “lele”, take up about the same amount of time as the “uk” syllable or the “u” syllable. What is happening is the word is broken down into three beats with that final beat broken down into two quick syllables.

Beat one                          Beat two                          Beat three

Uk                                   u                                       le-le

              The same thing happens in music. A beat can be broken down into subdivisions. The most common subdivisions would be two, three (called a triplet), or four. Let’s look at our four beats with subdivisions.

One      and       Two      and       Three   and       Four     and

HI                     lo                      MID                  lo

              The second subdivision in each beat (the and’s) are called the offbeat. Now, here’s where things get a tad confusing. When we break down a beat into a two-part subdivision, we call the first part the “beat” and the second part the “offbeat”. So, the term “beat” can be used to refer to the entire syllable or the first subdivision of that syllable. It’s not super confusing, but you do need to understand the context for the term “beat”.

Understanding the beat and offbeat is foundational to ukulele strumming. In general, the down strum is on the beat and the up strum is on the offbeat. It’s most common in the beat-offbeat subdivisions to put a little more emphasis on the first subdivision. In terms of ukulele, it may be more helpful to think in terms of down strum and up strum as opposed to beat and offbeat. The down strum in general is a little more forceful sound than the up strum.

              When investigating music, there really aren’t absolute rules. There are general guidelines and often those guidelines vary between musical styles. So, is it possible to down strum on the offbeat and up strum on the beat? Can one put a more emphasis on the offbeat than the beat? Of course, you can! What you’ll find is that all of a sudden you’re transported to the Caribbean and you just want to listen to some Bob Marley. Emphasizing the offbeat gives the music a Reggae feeling. And, who wouldn’t want to strum their ukulele on some warm Caribbean beach?

              So, let’s recap before we move on. The foundational rhythmic unit for music is called a barre. A barre is broken down into a number of beats. So far, we’ve looked at four beats per barre. Each beat can be further broken down into subdivisions. What is common in ukulele strumming is to break each beat down into two subdivisions: beat and offbeat.

              Beats and offbeats can be given HI, MID, or lo emphasis by varying their volume, frequency, and grabbiness. How emphasis is used can give the music a different feel and different styles of music and different cultural heritages emphasize beats differently.

Take Me to the Waltz

              Instead of four beats, let’s base music off three beats. Let’s try the following emphasis pattern:

ONE                    two                     three

              If you just start speaking the pattern in a repeating loop, you should feel like you’re about to dance a waltz. ONE, two, three, ONE, two, three, ONE, two, three, ONE, two, three. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself gliding across the dance floor?

              Now, imagine singing Amazing Grace to that rhythm. Once you find the Waltz swing it kinda works, but it just doesn’t feel quite right. It’s not really a song you want to dance to. Amazing Grace is built on three beats, so let’s change the emphasis. Instead of ONE, two, three, try ONE, TWO, THREE, ONE, TWO, THREE, ONE, TWO, THREE, ONE, TWO, THREE. Ah, there you go! Now, it seems to work. By compressing the amount of emphasis between the downbeat and the other beats, the song takes on the dreamy quality of dancing with the Lord.

              I just introduced the term “downbeat”. The downbeat is the first beat in a bar. It's usually emphasized more than the other beats. I say usually, because there are no absolute rules in music—only guidelines.

Let’s Start Marching

              Two beats are sometimes used in music. So, you can have a ONE, two emphasis, which is how I would generally emphasize something with two beats. You could also have a ONE, TWO emphasis.

              Let’s stick with a ONE, two emphasis. I want you to imagine the ONE being played on a kick drum—DUM— and the two being played on a hi hat—tsk. DUM, tsk, DUM, tsk, DUM, tsk, DUM, tsk. Keep it going until you can really hear it. Do you want to march? A two-beat barre creates a marching feel. Just imagine that poor kid in marching band that must lug around that bass drum. If they’re playing a song that has a marching feel to it, he’s going to have to feel that ONE, two, and strike the drum on the ONE. He probably won’t find the beat, because he’ll be distracted by the girl who decided bagpipes are a marching band instrument, and her daddy is a lawyer!

              So, the number of beats and how we emphasize the beats really create the feel for music. Simply by changing up those variables, we can create an extreme amount of variability in the sound of music. While two, three, and four beats are most common, one can theoretically use any number of beats. If you want to write some music based on seventeen beats, go ahead! Just don’t expect me to help you.

Let’s Go to the Dark Side

              While I’m not going to look at all the possibilities when it comes to the number of beats and how to emphasize, there are a few others worth a short investigation. Let’s briefly get into the dark side of five, six, and nine beats.

              Five Beats. So, we’ve already established that the strongest emphasis is generally on the downbeat (the ONE). How are we going to emphasize things with five? We could break things down into subdivisions of two plus three, or three plus two.

ONE                    two                     three                  FOUR                  five

Or,

ONE                    two                     three                  FOUR                  FIVE

Or,

ONE                    two                     THREE                four                     five

Or,

ONE                    two                     THREE                FOUR                  FIVE

              If you say these, you can hear each one sounds a little different and conveys a different feel. There’s another trick that’s done with five beats. That’s creating music that has two long beats (one and a half beat X two = three beats) and two short beats. The Mission Impossible theme does this. What the composer is doing is basically writing a four-beat song composed of two long beats and two short beats. The time signature is designed to write music where each beat is equal length, so the composer must figure out a way to write the music in a way others can play it. Basically, it breaks down as follows:

How it feels

O-----N-----E                    t-----w-----o                     THREE                FOUR

How its translated into musical language

ONE      and       two       AND     three    and       FOUR   and       FIVE              and

              If you don’t quite follow that explanation, find a recording of the Mission Impossible theme and listen to it. Sometimes music theory doesn’t make any sense until you hear it.      

              Six Beats. When you get into beat numbers that are divisible by three, it’s helpful to think in terms of groups of three. So, class, what is six divided by three? If you answered two, well done. If you answered something different, you may have trouble with music theory.

              So, which beat is going to usually get the strongest emphasis? If you answered the downbeat, you’ve been paying attention. So, we have the downbeat followed by beats two and three, which will make up our first group of three. Beat four starts the second set of threes. So, it’s probably going to be emphasized, but not quite as strong as the downbeat. So, we’ll give beat four a MID emphasis. That MID emphasis won’t sound emphasized unless beats two, three, five, and six are given lo emphasis. So, we have the following pattern with six beats:

ONE                    two                     three                  FOUR                 five                     six

              As we discuss all these beats and variations, is it getting confusing? I know I’m confused and I’m writing this! It really helps if you have a metronome that plays different time signatures so you can hear what they sound like—particularly one that allows you to adjust how beats are emphasized. We’re not going to talk about the bottom number in that time signature equation, but you could use the following time signatures to hear what the number of beats sounds like:

Four beats: 4/4

Three beats: 3/4

Two beats: 2/4

Five beats: 5/4

Six beats: 6/8

Nine beats: 9/8

              Nine Beats. So, we’re again thinking of a multiple of three. So, it’s helpful to bring things down into sets of three. How many sets of three? Someone in the back of the room says three. Good, we’ll go with three. Now, where are we going to put our strongest emphasis? The downbeat! Yes, I see someone has been paying attention.

              The second set of three begins with beat four; the third set of three begins with beat seven. So, it seems logical to give them MID emphasis. Everything else we’ll give a lo emphasis. So, we have:

ONE      two       three    FOUR     five     six        SEVEN    eight    nine

Summary

              Phew! We’ve covered a lot. Music can be broken down to a basic rhythmic unit called a barre. A barre will have a number of beats. We looked at two, three, four, five, six, and nine beats. But, any number of beats is theoretically possible.

              Each of those beats can received a different emphasis: HI, MID, or lo. These emphases are achieved by varying the loudness, frequency, and grabbiness of the sounds.

              The first beat in the barre is called the downbeat and generally receives the strongest emphasis. Beats can be further broken down. For ukulele strumming, it is common to break a beat down into two subdivisions. When strumming, the down strum is generally put on the first subdivision and the up strum on the second subdivision.

              The number of beats and the emphasis given to each beat create a basic rhythmic feel to the music. It gives us a rhythmic foundation upon which to build our strumming and percussive playing.